Denial
When I teamed up with my brother back in 1990, the name 'Denial' was suggested by a friend, and so was gratefully adopted.
I was young, brimming with fitness, ambition, creativity, & was very much led to believe that my older sibling (musical partner) was every bit as keen as I was.
When I look at the definition above, I realise just how uncannily appropriate the name 'Denial' turned out to be, as the years went on.
The first stage of Denial - "refusal to accept or acknowledge" accurately describes the perceived attitude adopted by my family of origin in relation to my musical potential & aspirations.
As this failed to deter me - the second stage of Denial - "refusal to grant what is requested or desired" was subsequently implemented, even though I actually requested nothing, but only desired to be free to follow my own path & choice of a musical occupation (please see the 'Bio' page).
Starting as a two-piece, with my brother on semi-acoustic guitar & myself playing a Yamaha DX-7 synthesizer - both of us on vocals, what could go wrong?
The hope of becoming an act like The Everly Brothers or Simon & Garfunkel soon waned however, as many of the 'conventions' widely accepted (among musical circles everywhere) seemed completely disregarded & even despised by my musical partner.
(Conventions like: Rehearsals for progress, avoiding onstage drunkenness, appropriate use of harmonies, correct song keys to suit the lead vocals, guitar level 'within the mix' - not 'over' it, avoiding in-jokes, respecting your venues & their audiences - stuff like that. All these things go without saying for most people)
From listening to the many old tape recordings we made, it becomes obvious that I was 'not allowed' to be heard singing solo - as he insisted on singing every word of every song (or making noises if he didn't know the words).
I would put harmonies (in appropriate places) when he was singing lead, but whenever I was singing lead, my brother would sing all the way through - verses, bridges & choruses.
When I respectfully suggested that he only put the harmonies in 'certain places, as appropriate to augment the lyrics' his answer was:
"Every song should have harmonies all the way through - it's far better."
When I replied:
"But what about musicianship, lyrical emphasis, 'less is more' - all time honoured vocal arrangement techniques?"
His answer;
"Don't worry about it."
Same answer I got when I respectfully suggested he not get so drunk at gigs, because his voice sounded way better when less under the influence - his response;
"Don't worry about it."
Even going so far as to insist that songs I should (obviously) be singing in the key of 'G' (for example) be sung (below this) in 'E' instead - just so he could "harmonise" all the way through (???)
Sure - if my voice sounded crap, being far too low . . .
. . . "Don't worry about it."
I also got really tired of the mockery being made of the music we were (supposed to be) playing - almost everything was like a parody, full of cringe-worthy remarks, misogynistic overtones & outdated "humour".
Just no respect for the audience, music or the artistes - none whatsoever.
What could have aspired to being 'Irelands' answer to Simon & Garfunkel' was seriously starting to resemble a 'very poor version of Chas & Dave' - & I hated it!
After about two years in the group 'Denial' it had also become abundantly obvious that any hopes of progress could never come to fruition - as the denial of everything that may have contributed to success, was very much in force.
: Refusal to rehearse - instead of rehearsing with me, I was coerced into programming bass & drums for almost every song (many of which were only attempted a couple of times) - even though I made it obvious that I only wanted to play live.
At a time when I was determined to develop my keyboard skills (having never benefited from piano lessons in childhood) this eventually 'perpetual programming' seriously ate into my piano practice time - the desired effect it would seem.
: Refusal to expand - the very idea of getting a 'bass player & drummer' (so we could play live) was bitterly rejected . . . dismissed as "a hobby horse" . . . whatever that meant.
After my 'rhythm section' idea had been 'shot down in flames' I suggested adding two female vocalist/performers to the lineup, to front the band & be an 'attractive focal point' - with us providing live backing of piano, guitar & vocals. Once again, this idea was bitterly rejected with the words;
"Last week your 'hobby horse' was a bass player & drummer. This week you've got 'a new hobby horse' - two girl-singers!
Just let me have my pint in peace, & stop giving me shit!"
There I was, with ambition, commitment & enthusiasm to burn - stuck in a "band" with no chance of success, & where any attempt to make positive changes was always going to be rejected.
Also, as someone who was always focused on playing live original material, the very thought of my own creations being treated with the same utter contempt (as what we'd been "playing") was simply unthinkable.
This is not a sideline, music is my life - my vocation - what would you do??
So when the inevitable split happened, it seemed to me that my entire family of origin had made their mind up as to who was 'at fault' (all without ever asking me about it) apparently along with everyone else they spoke to.
The very fact that I refused to be thwarted in my endeavour to pursue a career in music apparently makes me; . . . ". . . a psychopath, & a jumped up, *arrogant* little shit."
( *Arrogant* A term used by envious people when they have failed in all their attempts to undermine your self-belief )
This was when the second stage of 'denial' seems to have begun, because I learned over time that unless I was 'secretive' about my venues & promoters - I would lose them.
Ironically, once I learned to keep my mouth shut about where I was playing, I ended up playing in huge venues - some of the most prestigious music venues in Ireland, ones I thought only '4+ piece bands' ever got to play.
By the year 2000 though, it was time to walk away from 'cover gigs' altogether (never looking back) - to play sets that are 100% original.
Well, you have to be true to yourself - I am 'an artiste' after all.
It's worth noting that none of my former "band-mates" have got any albums out - which (despite what they would have had me believe) shows how ambitious they turned out to be.
All anyone wants is to be able to live their own lives as they wish to - it's their choice - live & let live.
Guess that's the fundamental difference between different types of people. Whether they choose to envy & despise those who have pursued their natural abilities - or be inspired by them.
I have learned (over the years) to take some of my brothers' advice though - if people do get jealous I don't worry about it - but I might worry if they didn't.
Cheers & God bless!